Scary World
by Sheena Is A Punk Rocker
Summary: A collection of drabbles or headcanons involving various characters and possibly various pairings. Rated T just to be safe. Title is the name of a Steam Powered Giraffe song.
1. Epitaph For My Heart

**A/N**: So, this is going to be a collection of drabbles (or headcanons or whatever you want to call them) that I've written and posted on my SOUE Facebook page. I've gotten some positive response to them so I figured I might as well post them here. They'll involve various characters and pairings (maybe, I tend to stick to Lemony/Beatrice. We'll see if that changes).

**Title**: _Epitaph For My Heart_

**Character(s)**: Lemony Snicket

**Rating**: K+

* * *

He knelt in front of the tombstone, oblivious to the rain pouring down on him.

_Beatrice Amelia Baudelaire.__  
__"Loving mother and wife"_

Loving mother and wife. He scoffed. She was so much more than that. It couldn't be expressed in one line on a tombstone.

He knew he shouldn't be out in the open like this. Any one of his enemies could see him and kill him. Oftentimes, he thought about simply _letting_ them find him. Beatrice was dead. What else did he have to live for?

_Loving mother_. His eyes scanned the tombstone. Two words. Two words that reminded him why he was still alive. Her children. He had done the math. Violet was his. But he would love and care for each of those children as though they were his own—once he found them.

He ran his fingers over those words, sighed, then stood up. After a quick scan of his surroundings, he was off. Off to the next safe location as he did his ongoing research on the Baudelaire orphans.


	2. I've Just Seen A Face

**A/N**: Second drabble/HC in the series! This one was a personalized one for someone on my SOUE facebook page. Hopefully she doesn't mind that I'm publishing it here... Anyway, enjoy. This is the first time I've written Jacques character so hopefully I did all right.

**Title**: _I've Just Seen A Face_

**Character(s)**: Jacques Snicket

**Rating**: T-ish

* * *

Jacques Snicket sat there in the cold prison cell. He had failed. He let his guard down and ended up being captured and forced into Olaf's clothes.

He was going to die while that bastard continued to live. And those poor orphans... He had planned on being the hero and getting them out of this wretched place. He had failed. It was up to Kit now.

The door to his cell opened and Esme Squalor stepped in. Of course she wanted to do it. She was still bitter about the sugar bowl, and even though Jacques hadn't been involved in the incident, his brother _had _been, and well, Jacques was the next best thing to Esme.

He couldn't see her eyes because of that stupid disguise of hers. But he saw her mouth quirk up into a sadistic smile.

He wasn't going to beg for mercy, or cry, or give Esme any satisfaction in seeing him break, even a little bit.

He focused on a name: Kate Anderson. She was an old friend from the academy. He held onto those memories as Esme snapped her fingers to summon two henchmen to hold him down.

Esme Squalor didn't waste time with a speech like Olaf would have. She readied the needle quickly and the last thing Jacques heard before blackness took over was her cold laughter.

But if you were to look carefully at Jacques Snicket's dead body, you would notice the faintest hint of a smile.


	3. Asleep and Dreaming

**A/N**: This is nothing but pure fluff, which shouldn't really work with this fandom. I think it works in a dose as small as this but that's just my opinion. So anyway, yeah, pure fluff. The song I was thinking about as I wrote it was "Asleep and Dreaming" by The Magnetic Fields, so look that up! It's the song I imagined Lemony wrote for Beatrice.

**Disclaimer**: Forgot this on the last two drabbles... I don't own any of this! Lemony Snicket/Daniel Handler is the genius behind the characters and the titles so far have been song titles...

**Title**: _Asleep and Dreaming_

**Character(s)**: Lemony/Beatrice

**Rating**: K+

* * *

Lemony Snicket let out a deep breath. Tonight was a very special night and he had everything planned out.

He knocked and waited for her to answer. His girlfriend, Beatrice, opened it with a radiant smile. It was contagious, and Lemony found himself smiling back. He kissed her briefly before offering his arm to her. And then they were off down the street.

"Where are we going?" She asked.

"It's a surprise."

The surprise ended up being one of many caves in the area, where Beatrice went to train bats.

At the mouth of the cave was a picnic basket and blanket. Lemony flashed Beatrice a small smile. "Happy anniversary." They had been together for five years.

* * *

After a lovely dinner, Lemony reached behind him to grab something as he said, "I uh, I wrote a song for—" He cursed under his breath. "I forgot it. I forgot my accordion. How did I forget my accordion? Everything was planned out perfectly."

He continued to ramble and Beatrice couldn't help but chuckle. Typical Lemony—so concerned with details. Then again, there was a reason he was such a great researcher for the organization. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, interrupting his ramblings. When they broke apart for air, she whispered in his ear, "Just ask me."

He blushed. "W-what?"

"I saw the ring a few days ago," she admitted. "Ask me."

He smiled nervously and moved so he was on one knee. He produced a small box from his pocket and asked, "Beatrice... Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will," she said with a smile before kissing him again.

A few hours later, they lay curled up on the blanket together. Beatrice picked her head up and said, "If you want... you can still hum the song to me." She lay her head back down and he kissed her hair.

She fell asleep to the sound of Lemony Snicket humming softly in her ear.


	4. All My Little Words

**A/N**: So, this was written kind of a while ago but I'm just posting it now. I'm really happy how this one turned out, since I've never written about the Quagmire triplets before. Feedback is always appreciated!

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing! The title is taken from a Magnetic Fields song and Lemony Snicket owns all the characters.

**Title**: _All My Little Words_

**Character(s)**: Isadora Quagmire

**Rating**: K

* * *

Isadora woke up with a jolt. The car had gone over a pothole and she and Duncan had been shoved into the trunk unceremoniously a few short hours ago. At least she thought it was a few hours ago. It was hard to tell.

She felt a weight on her shoulder and realized it was Duncan, sleeping with his head resting on her shoulder. She smiled gently and reached up to stroke her baby brother's hair gently. She called him her baby brother even though they were triplets. She was the oldest of the three with Quigley a close second, at five minutes younger. Duncan was younger than Quigley by ten minutes, and had always been the deepest sleeper out of any of them.

It had always been Isadora's role to take care of her brothers and she was thinking about this as she tried to come up with an escape plan. But she wasn't her friend Violet. She wasn't the inventor. And she wasn't Klaus—the researcher, or Duncan—the reporter. Quigley had been a cartographer, a very useful skill. Even Sunny had a useful skill and she was barely two years old.

Isadora liked being a poet but truth be told, she felt like her talent was, well, useless. What could she do? She couldn't even write anything more than rhyming couplets.

It wasn't until much later, when she and Duncan were hidden in the fountain, that she found out the purpose of her special skill. Once they were up in the air with Hector, she took to reading every book available on secret codes and became quite skilled at hiding secret messages in her poems.


	5. How To Say Goodbye

**A/N**: Also another one I wrote a while ago but didn't post until now. Geez, this one was depressing... I hope I did okay and that the ending isn't _too_ random/out there/etc. Feedback is always appreciated!

**Disclaimer**: As usual, I don't own anything. The title is a Magnetic Fields song and Lemony Snicket owns all characters.

**Title**: _How To Say Goodbye_

**Character(s)**: Beatrice Baudelaire Sr.

**Rating**: K+

* * *

It's a miracle she can even finish what she's writing, considering how blurred her vision is from the tears. She has to do it though. She knows she has to—he did something unspeakable.

But there's still that shred of doubt. Lemony is such a sweet man. She tells herself that there's no way he could have murdered all those people. Not her Lemony. He could barely stand the sight of blood.

"There wasn't any blood," a nagging voice in the back of her mind says. It had been fire. Fire that killed up to 800 people in that opera house.

She remembers the day Lemony proposed to her and tries to imagine that same sweet, caring person murdering 800 people in cold blood. Had it all been an act? Was sweet, shy Lemony Snicket really a cold-blooded murderer?

Beatrice refuses to believe that. She's known him since she was ten and there's no way he could have hidden his true self for thirteen years.

She can't take any chances though. It's not just about her anymore.

She wipes the tears away as she finishes up the last page—200 pages. It had taken 200 pages to say what she needed to say.

She takes it out of the typewriter and puts it with the other pages. As she stands up, she presses both hands to her belly. She isn't showing yet but it's only a matter of time before—

"Beatrice? Darling, what are you doing?" A voice from the hallway calls out.

"Nothing, Bertrand!" She wipes the last of the tears away, hoping her eyes aren't too bloodshot. She would send the 200-page book later that evening.

Beatrice plasters on a fake smile before walking out to the hallway, where Bertrand Baudelaire is waiting. She tries not to flinch as he wraps his arms around her and kisses her cheek.

She misses Lemony terribly and wishes she were in his arms, but the evidence is stacked up too high against him. And she's agreed to marry Bertrand in three months.


End file.
